Compassion Can Be a Forcefield That Says, “No”
I’ve realized that at times I’ve been so hurt by “life” because I’ve walked around with an open heart saying, “hello, I love you,” and expecting that, in return, would be a stream of love back. But I always seemed to find that the world hurt, a lot, and trying to find ways to deal with that and learn how to manage it was tiresome and at times all encompassing, and even when it wasn’t, it was a persistent “constant.” I realized later that I was extremely sensitive (able to notice every little thing seen, unseen, said, unsaid), and when I noticed something that didn’t reflect love, I started to feel it inside of me and then wonder why it was that way and how I could change it, or, unfortunately, what I had done to deserve it (which of course I had not done anything to deserve it).
In learning about my abilities and how I am in the world, as well as my relationship to other humans, I have been able to change my reaction to those types of circumstances. One thing that has really helped me is understanding that it’s only the part of me that thinks another’s behavior has something negative to do with me that ends up creating the hurt I feel.
For example, if I am in place that is providing a service for a fee, and something is not right with that service, and if when I speak up, asking for it to be rectified, the person I am addressing becomes angry and accusatory, then the only way that that could be hurtful for me is if I believe I am doing something I shouldn’t be doing, or that I am “bad” somehow for speaking up. Otherwise, all of the onus of their behavior would fall on them. Their emotional, energetic anger must be about something other than me. At that point, when I realize that something must be going on making them respond in such a manner, I am able to deflect taking in their energy that they are throwing at me, and instead see them for who they are – someone who is not in a great state.
This sort of assess, reject, reflect process allows me to get to a more neutral compassionate field in these types of situations. It does not mean that I don’t put up a boundary if I am being mistreated or not take care of myself. It only means that I am better able to not “agree” with the energy they are throwing at me and therefore not take it on, which would cause me suffering. I assess the situation – are they “correct” in behaving towards me this way? Is this acceptable and loving? If not, I reject the energy they are throwing at me. Finally, I step back from the situation in my mind’s eye and understand this person separately from me, and how, since they are behaving in such a manner that is not loving or respectful or aware, that it is about them. Once I’ve moved through this process, I’m more able to hold the situation and their behavior in a more compassionate field and then respond appropriately to take care of myself, vs. reacting to the hurt being thrown at me.
In this process, we are not simply skipping to only one part of the equation, such as, “other people’s behavior has nothing to do with you, so don’t be upset,” or, “they’re crazy,” or “how dare you treat me this way.” Instead, multiple things are happening. We get the opportunity to see what beliefs in us this person’s behavior has triggered. Then we get to reflect on if they are true. Such as, “Wow, this is making me wonder if I’ve done something wrong by asking to receive the service I paid for, and I also feel like maybe somehow I deserve this type of mistreatment.” Those are some really important beliefs to uncover and begin to change! Then we get to say, “Is that true?” And, this gives us the opportunity to start changing those belief systems we have that hold us back and cause us pain. Once you can say to yourself that it is not true, and/or, take responsibility for what parts, if any, of a situation is yours, then you can reject the statements coming up for you and the energy coming at you that is not true and not appropriate. Finally, this brings us to a more authentic type of compassion, for ourselves and others. We may still feel hurt, upset, or angry, but we have a more well-rounded picture of why we feel that way and we are more able to respond from a more grounded place, and we also realize that others are acting from a source of their own struggles. This also helps us to not store and repress stressful feelings, experiences, and negative energy, and instead process it, let it leave our body/energy field, and grow from every experience.
