Return to Excitement, the Little Bird in My Heart

It’s time to focus on the bird that sings from my heart. The one that whispers, “this isn’t right. It’s no fun. Why are we doing this?” And then gets so upset about the way things are and how I’m spending my time. But I don’t know how to do it any differently. Am I every excited when I wake up in the morning? Am I excited about anything? When was the last time I ever felt true excitement?

I can’t really remember many times of excitement in my life, true, heart-felt enjoyment or joyous anticipation – this is what I would consider “excitement.” I remember my family threw me a surprise birthday party for my 9th birthday. That was such happiness for me. I was truly surprised. And, I felt cared about. I know my family cares about me, but truthfully I didn’t feel that very much growing up because there were a lot of struggles. On that day, things were imprinted on my memory because it was such a meaningful experience for me. I was a cheerleader and we had an away game. I think I was wearing saddle shoes. I think I got a ride with a friend, someone else on the team. When we pulled up in front of my house, there were cars out front. I came inside and everyone yelled surprise. My aunt and grandmother were there. My grandmother gave me these beautiful amethyst earrings and a matching necklace. My parents gave me a purple cruiser. I remember I had said my favorite color was purple at one point. I had decided on that because one time when I was little, my mother was coloring with me. It was a big deal to me. I think we were alone, in my room that I shared with my sisters, but it was just my mom and me, which was rare. I asked her what her favorite color was, and she said purple. She asked what mine was, and I said it was purple too. Maybe it stuck.

Another moment of pure excitement was when I found out my family got me tickets to Paris and arranged the whole trip. I felt so cared about. It seems like surprises bring me lots of joy. I think it’s the fact that someone cared enough to orchestrate something that was meaningful specifically to me.

But where is my joy and excitement about my work, my creative output, my life? It has been so much work and I have been so tired for as long as I can remember, that it doesn’t feel that way to me. There also have been so many programs installed in me and coping mechanisms, and feeling so much from the world, processing so much at all times, dealing with so much, that it was just impossible. But, now, now maybe it can start to be different.

That little bird, a flutter in my heart. I deserve that. Whether the people around me are miserable or not, I deserve to be excited. I deserve to have my life feel like what I want it to feel. I don’t have an obligation to dampen my spirit. If I think about it, I don’t know anyone who carries that light spirit of excitement and joy in their energy field, in their heart. That bird aflutter. I want to be that. I am that. I just lost it so long ago. That feeling of dropping all the heavy things I was asked to carry from the car to the beach and sprinting down as fast as my little legs could carry me to the ocean’s edge to “test the water” with the most beautiful vibrating energy in my heart, moving so fast, so happy, so enlivened, so excited, to be there.

I deserve that. So now, during this time of continuing to refocus on the presence, the “knowing” beyond, under, behind, or in all that is, again and again, to let everything else go, to let the creative loving force of this energy that forms all I experience take control and lead me back to the calling of the excited bird in my heart, the spirit of me, the true one that I am. My vibrant playful, joyous, excited energy, that will begin to flow like a trickle from my heart, but that I will nurture until it is a stream, then a river, then a fountain. And I will burst my multi-colored crystal light out onto the world, just flowing out everywhere, so full of love, so full of life. Me. The true me.