3 Years of Solitude

I will have to actually count how long it was, it may have been longer. But something happened – well, so much happened – when I was with just me. The conventions melt away. It is not on me to respond to texts and calls and needs and inquiries. I am with the passing of time, I am with the weather patterns, I am with my body. I am facing my “self” without interjection or obligation. It gave me time to die, to dissolve so much.

I’m not sure I’m ready to stop that process. Sure, there’s the idea that I could keep allowing the process on some level. But, I realize, there is a reason for monasticism being prolific amongst mystics and spiritual seekers throughout time. I have hardly tiptoed back into a life including human contact and potential relationships, and I feel pulled into the material world, at the expense of my spiritual world.

I am realizing I can practice and create a balance with this, because on a deep level, I know I am meant for both. I know I am meant to be in both worlds at the same time. There is, of course, the ever-known (in various iterations) phrase: “bring all things in heaven and on earth together.” But, I feel for myself, that before that, I resonate with the saying “seek ye first the kingdom of God…within you.”

A reminder that “God” is not a man in the sky. God to me is the essence of creation, presence, love itself.

Before I can join my human world with my spiritual world, I must allow dissolution to all that it is not, allow the process to unfold, and allow everything I need to come from within me, source, first.

So, I am not done yet. I am not ready, yet, to re-enter the world in entirety. I need more time. And that is okay.