For a Reason

Mood: The song “Clearly” by Grace VanderWaal.

I met someone. Three and a half years of solitude and I felt called to start dating a little. I wanted to go slow. I wasn’t sure I was even ready yet, and I wanted to make sure I could keep my spiritual life, and the connection with my divinity, intact. The time together at first was so joyful. I had a wonderful time with him. However, I always felt like it was too fast for me and that I didn’t have the energetic or emotional space to maintain my inner and outer world balance. Communication issues arose, he wanted to feel a sense of definitiveness about us from me, and I became stressed over suddenly finding myself in a serious relationship I wasn’t ready for or certain about. It ended somewhat abruptly and I am left wondering about the details of this relationship as well as romantic relationships in general.

I kept asking myself if I let go of something magical, meant for me, that could be amazing. I said that if he had given me the time and space, without pressure, to enjoy our dating and continue getting to know each other, I could see myself with him in a serious committed relationship and possibly more. But, the reality is that I did not have time and space without pressure, and I did not feel safe and secure in our relationship or communication. So, what I saw for us was a potential but not reality.

So many beautiful things I experienced in and came out of that relationship. He possesses lovely attributes that, in my close engagement of them, have changed who I am. He changed how I think, function, make decisions, and talk to myself. He showed me my new city and without him, I would not have found nor decided positively upon the apartment wherein I now reside. He helped me ground and learn how to ground my airy self in so many ways. And the laughter, jokes, affection, romance, exploring discovering, adventures, passion, support, and his calming effect – it’s all enriched my life and soul, and I am so grateful for it. The joy is what pains my heart because I feel the grief in “losing” it – the beautiful exchange I had with him of so much joy – but I try to reground myself that I gained so much, and it’s important to acknowledge that ultimately we each are not what the other needs for a lifelong soul partner. That the right person, if I am meant to have a longterm soul love, a partner, is out there and what’s to come, either alone or with another, is beyond amazing. But I still feel sorrow at the sudden dissolution of this connection. I miss him. The thought of not connecting with him again breaks my heart.

So, to balance this, I try to remember that I know now more of what I need and want, more of what’s possible, more of who I am, and also how I live in the potential of something sometimes. I do feel we could have been together for life in our potential versions of ourselves, but that wasn’t meant for us. Had it been, I wouldn’t have been asking for time and space and feeling confused and pressured, I would have just been given the room to be and enjoy and there wouldn’t have been confusion as I could have stayed in the moment discovering my true feelings, and he wouldn’t have been stressed and feeling rejected, he would feel calm and happy and joyful of the moments as they slowly unfolded what we were meant to be.

I think we both gained so much from our time together. I am sad that it ended, and especially that it ended in a tumultuous way – this devastates me. I am definitely grieving, but I am also processing it a little more each day and recognizing the beauty from it. Now is also a time where I need to find my balance again, to get back in touch with my own soul and the divine, because the last 6 weeks completely pulled me out of myself and also devastated that connection that is the point of my life. In the thick of grieving, sleeping late, drinking wine, journaling, time traveling and meditating to heal, crying, and overeating, I am also slowly reconnecting with that solitude, and in that solitary space, finding my reconnection. What a process. I must remember to be kind to myself right now.