Grief

How quickly things change in a short time period. I felt like I was handling the breakup okay the last few days, but grief is so tricky, especially the intense confusion it always seems to be coupled with. I just don’t know anymore. I feel his pain and my own, and it all gets completely mixed up where I cannot see what happened or why. I am missing him deeply.

Missing someone is hard. As is missing all the experiences that you know exist in another dimension but that you aren’t going to share here in this one. All the things that were possible.

I look outside at the trees, all changing colors – red, orange, yellow, lime, deep green. This is the first time I’m seeing autumn here. To see them, to smell the pines, hand in hand with him, this is something that now I am to find a way to understand and accept won’t happen.

I feel like he was in a different reality than I was in. What avenue of finding a path forward is in between two totally different experiences? When I tried to tell him my truth of my feelings and intentions, he felt I was invalidating him and not listening. But if I tell him he is correct about his perception of my intentions, then there is no moving forward either. In the end, I let his reality be correct. His reality was the one that was true for him anyway; it was real. I had to step into that reality. And in that reality, my uncertainty meant I don’t want to be with him.

It is dusk and I feel as sad as the dark gray sky overhead. The trees’ colors are dimming and I feel like the deepest rupture has occurred instead of the choice to end something with love and grace and connection. I feel a wish to part ways like a taffy pulling apart and gracefully the connection thins until the pieces gently separate. Instead this is like a chasm, an axe coming down on wood, hacking it in two. A connection ripped in half suddenly by the axeman whose force seems like it’s demonstrative of just moving forward with the motion because of a need that has nothing to do with the tree, like the tree is just this thing that all these emotions and external forces got projected upon. I feel like that’s us, him and me.

Like all his hurts, deepest longings from long before I existed in his world, wishes, needs, fears, beliefs were projected onto me and us. I felt like I was suffocating and there was no room for me underneath that blanket of projections, no room, and no air to breathe.

Now I envision him, a mix of hurt and suppression and blame, moving on as quickly as possible. A few new cats, work, his mother, therapy… and soon, dating again.

I miss you.